Our Ears Can Be the Most Effective Tool in Emotional Regulation

One of the most common questions I get is, “how do I stop my child when they’re having a meltdown”. It is important to remember it should not be about ‘stopping’ the event. Once it has begun, no amount of distracting, compromising, yelling, or reprimanding will ‘fix’ the problem; the emotion needs to come out. But what we can do is Listen. This idea might sound silly but take a moment to reflect on how often you problem-solve rather than listen. When we try and jump in, we are preventing our child from independently problem-solving. Jumping in can also discourage our children from expressing their emotions as it may prompt them to think their feelings are invalid or, worse, feel unheard and alone.

By listening, we show our children that we are interested in what they say. When your child decides to talk to you about difficult emotions, just be present with them silently. It is a natural response to jump in with our own perceptions, emotions or ideas. However, this is not what they need. Our children need us to listen to their words and how they are talking, processing a situation, and feeling.

When there is a break, briefly summarise what you have heard from them. Reflecting back on your child's words makes them feel heard and understood. And even better, if you haven’t understood correctly, it gives them a chance to correct you and give you more information. For example, ‘I can tell that you’re feeling really upset because your brother broke your favourite toy, is that right?’

When children don’t feel listened to or understood, their behaviour can escalate into frustration, which is their way of trying to tell us that we don’t understand them and that they cannot communicate their emotions properly. However, when a child feels heard and understood, big emotions often start to calm. When our emotions calm, our ‘thinking brain’ finds it easier to kick back in (rather than our ‘emotional brain’), think rationally, and problem-solve conflicts.

SUMMARY

• LISTEN, LISTEN ,LISTEN
• Do not offer solutions. Our children will ask for advice when they need it.
• Listening to children empowers them, makes them feel safe, and shows them that they are not alone.
• Paraphrase what you have heard back to your child to confirm you have been listening and to clarify what you heard is correct.
• Listening helps children develop their own problem-solving skills, which helps develop their resilience.
• Listening to your child can prompt them to talk to you more often because their emotional needs are being met. On the flip side, they are less likely to do it again if they don’t feel that talking to you meets their emotional needs.

Madelyn Burns, BSW, Student and Family Counsellor